Summer Reruns 2012

It’s time for that annual post in which I recap Dante’s year in Facebook status updates. These usually consist of little one-liners or stories that are too brief for this blog, but which can comprise a satisfying meal when taken all together.

This year, Facebook’s lovely Timeline “feature” is here, making it maddeningly difficult to see everything I’ve posted. I shall do my best.

August 11: Dante hears a Ben Folds Five song with the lyric, “Sometimes I get the feeling / That I won’t be on this planet / For very long”, and replies, “That’s because they’re working to make space travel available to everyone!” Then, when told that the name of the song is “Don’t Change Your Plans,” he says, “It should be called ‘Don’t Change Your PLANETS.'”

September 2: DANTE [reading to me from THE BFG by Roald Dahl, a passage about a giant vegetable]: It was about as wide in girth as a stroller.
ME: Wide as a what?
DANTE: A stroller. I corrected it from “perambulator.”

Selected comments:

[Stacy Holguin] “Holy shit!”, said the elementary reading teacher.
[Paul O’Brian] And you’re not the only one! I told Laura about it later and asked if she had taught him that. She said she assumed I had, because he at some point explained to her that “perambulator is a word for stroller.” Where he learned it, I do not know.
[Stacy Holguin] Vocabulary lessons aside, the fact that your 6 year old is reading Roald Dahl is beyond stunning. Add in that he’s adjusting for audience DURING oral reading is nothing short of spectacular genius.
[David Dyte] Careful, Paul’s head will soon have the girth of a perambulator (that’s a word for stroller).

September 25: Listening to Lady Gaga tonight.
DANTE: What IS a “disco stick”?
ME: Uh, well, disco is a kind of dancing, so I think it probably has to do with dancing.

October 5: Listening to Billy Bragg.
BILLY: [singing] What could be more British than “Here’s a picture of me bum”?
DANTE: What could be more British than this singing?

November 28: Tonight I sang “Money (That’s What I Want)” to Dante. Here’s how it went:
ME: The best things in life are free, but you can keep them for the birds and bees–
DANTE: Why would you want to give all the best things in life to animals??? It should be: half for you, half for the animals. No wait, one fourth for you, three fourths for the animals, because there are wayyyyy more animals than people.

December 5: Dante’s looking over my shoulder this morning as I’m checking work emails. I haven’t said a word, mind you. Then he turns to Laura and says, “Hey, Daddy just let me know that some portals are down, but PREP was refreshed over the weekend, so that’s good.”

February 17: Listening to Adele.
DANTE: What does that mean, “the scars of your love they’re eating breakfast?”
ME: That’s “leave me breathless.” Not “eating breakfast.”

February 24: Listening to The Beatles “Hello Goodbye”.
DANTE: I made up a version of this where I changed the words to “You say Dubai, and I say Moscow.”
ME: !!!

Selected comments:

[Rachel Wright] Moscow, Moscow! I don’t know why you say Dubai, I say Moscow!

March 7: Playing “I Spy” with Dante. He says, “I spy… something that I don’t really spy… and we need it to live… and the rainforests create it.”

March 8: Dante is suddenly interested in Star Wars. He’d like to see the movies. So I think maybe we’ll watch Episode 4 on DVD. I don’t have the right gear for streaming or Blu-ray, but watching a stratospherically popular 35-year-old movie on DVD should be pretty easy, right? WRONG! It is ASTONISHINGLY DIFFICULT!

As I have ranted in the past, the movie is not for sale on DVD, except for exorbitant prices on eBay. But I can rent it on DVD, right? WRONG! My local Blockbuster video has a copy… on Blu-ray. Same with the other 5 Blockbusters in my neighborhood.

So forget brick and mortar renting. Maybe I’ll become a Netflix subscriber, just for a little while. I even used to be one, for a little while. Except now seems to be all about streaming, with nary a word about DVDs. Oh wait, there’s! That’s about DVDs! Except that when I try to sign up, they recognize me as being a previous subscriber, and reroute me… to the streaming site! No DVDs mentioned! Oh wait, there’s the mention: I can pay another $8 for DVDs on top of the fee I’d pay for the streaming-I-can’t-do. NO THANK YOU!

So screw Netflix, I’ll do Blockbuster’s DVD-by-mail thing. Except Blockbuster’s web site SUCKS! It sucks to the degree that when I click on the link labeled “Star Wars”, its reply is, “An error occurred while processing your request. Reference #102.3747b1cd.1331189568.701359a”. It sucks to the degree that when I click “Sign Up”, the web site just grinds away endlessly, failing to produce anything with any interest in taking my money.

ARGH! A PLAGUE ON ALL YOUR HOUSES! I cannot believe it is so frickin difficult to watch Star Wars with my 6-year-old!!!

Selected comments (after a long thread in which various wonderful people offered to send/loan me theirs, piracy was contemplated, the library was suggested, and more):

[Paul O’Brian] Resolution: My mom figures out what I had been missing: used item listings on Amazon! I am so used to ignoring them, it was as if they were not there at all for me. $40 DVD set on its way to me, courtesy of Mom. Thanks, Mom!

March 20: Watched Star Wars (thanks Mom!) for the first time with Dante this weekend, which was just awesome. When the Death Star exploded, he whispered reverently, “That was BEAUTIFUL.”

Selected comments:

[Tony Granato] So glad you finally got to share it with your son. When do you start him on the Kevin Smith movies?
[Paul O’Brian] Tony: The mild stuff like Clerks and Dogma, maybe later this year. But he’ll have to be much older before he can handle Jersey Girl or Cop Out. In fact, I’m not sure there’s any age at which I’d let him watch Jersey Girl or Cop Out.(Concerned friends: I am kidding about letting my 6-year-old watch Clerks and Dogma.)
[Rob Wheeler] That’s so awesome. You should try to send that anecdote to George Lucas, even though he lives behind an imperial fortress of his own making these days.
[Paul O’Brian] I’m not going to try to send it to GL, but in my imagination he would feel gratified by it, because the explosions are one of the things he specifically tinkered with when rereleasing the original trilogy.

March 29: Listening to the Indigo Girls’ “Gone.”
EMILY: I’ve seen a million suns go down on this tired town…
DANTE: (disdainfully) A million suns?? What planet is she on?

April 7: Dante and are I drawing Star Wars-themed pictures with pencils. He picks up an eraser. “This Death Star Eraser can destroy an entire picture! Now witness the power of this FULLY OPERATIONAL ERASER!!!”

May 12: Singing “Let It Be.”
ME: When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me…
DANTE: I don’t understand this song. Who is Mother Mary?
ME: Who do you think she is?
DANTE: What I think is that she’s kind of like in Episode 5, when Obi-Wan appears to Luke as a ghost.

May 30: Singing some Elton John at bedtime.
ME: Don’t let the sun go down on me…
DANTE: It is impossible for the sun to go down on you unless you live a super long time, and humans only live an average of 80 years. It would take 5 billion years for the sun to go down on you, so please please please please please please please do not worry.

June 4: Singing “She Came In Through The Bathroom Window.”
ME: She said she’d always been a dancer / She worked at fifteen clubs a day…

August 9: Dante loves YouTube videos, but I hate YouTube comments, and don’t want him seeing or reading them. The solution? Herp Derp, which transforms all comments on a YouTube page to random strings of “herp” and “derp”. Hooray!


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