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I choose YOU!

Quite suddenly, it is all about Pokémon here. I’ll explain why in a minute, but first off, a little Pokémon lesson for those who need it, like I did. I was in the right generation to dig Star Wars, so I was totally in my element for that obsession, but for this one I’m learning a lot, quite rapidly. Like, for example, I’m learning that Pokémon is still totally a thing. I really thought it was long over, but then again, I never paid that much attention to it to begin with.

So: Pokémon is a thing that started with a 1998 Japanese video game targeted for Nintendo’s handheld platform, the GameBoy. The game is set in a world with lots and lots (and lots) of quirky little animals named “pokémon” (a contracted transliteration of a Japanese phrase meaning “pocket monsters”), and the basic idea is that you capture them and train them by having them battle other pokémon. (Yes, the plural of “pokémon” is “pokémon,” like sheep.) Each pokémon has its own powers, attack style, species, etc. It’s pretty much a CRPG, with the twist that instead of leveling up your own character, you level up your character’s battle-proxies. (If only I’d known about this when I reviewed Cryptozookeeper!) Your character is called a “pokémon trainer.”

The video game was adapted into an anime series that follows a pokémon trainer named Ash, who carries around a pokémon called Pikachu. (6 weeks ago, the extent of my Pokémon knowledge was: “I think there’s something called Pikachu? And is the boy named Ash?”) It’s quite a bit like the videogame, in that Ash spends most of his time battling his pokémon against others, and encountering the game’s plot elements in various combinations. This cartoon was a big hit, and fueled sales of the video game, and before long it was a bona fide cultural phenomenon, with movies, trading cards, manga, toys, and so forth. So much so that it is still, even 15 years later, a thing.

Which brings us to today. Dante is completely enamored with a classmate of his, who I’ll call Kylie. That’s a whole post topic of its own, but I mention her here because she is into Pokémon, which means that now Dante is into Pokémon. He started coming home telling us about Pokémon recess games he’d played with Kylie, before he really had any idea what Pokémon is. We like to nurture his interests, so we started searching for Pokémon stuff he could dig into. For me, that meant finding a GameBoy emulator we could use to play around with the first generation of the video game. Laura was the real jackpot, though. She works at the library now, so tons of stuff passes through her hands each day, from which she plucks various choice morsels.

She brought home the Pokémon Ultimate Handbook, which is pretty much page after page of pokémon names, descriptions, and pictures. He devoured it. I think he has it about 85% memorized at this point. I’m not exaggerating — yesterday we were in a waiting room and I started quizzing him about random facts from random pages in the (300 page) book. He answered about 85% of questions correctly. It reminds me of how I dove into Marvel at age 6 — you could have quizzed me about the Marvel Universe back then and the results would have been similar. (Not that this ever really changed, ahem. Wonder if Dante will still be following Pokémon in 2048?)

Then she brought home some DVDs of the anime, and he embraced those as well. For me, the anime style takes some getting used to, and there is a lot of facepalm-worthy gender stuff, but I find it pretty enjoyable overall. The stories are pretty benign (usually having to do with some lesson about cooperation or trying your best) and even the battles are rather gentle — lots of cartoony blasts and punches, but the worst thing that ever happens to any pokémon is that it faints. Then the trainers give an encouraging speech to both the winner and the loser, which I rather like. The villains (who are called “Team Rocket”) are not menacing in the least — they’re pretty much comic relief, with recurring catchphrases played for laughs as variations on a theme. Also, there are some references built in there for adults — I’ve seen a character based on Groucho Marx, a joke based on O. Henry, and some cute fourth-wall breaking, among other things. We watched a whole episode based on Romeo and Juliet — pokémon in love with each other (and named Tony & Maria, heh) whose trainers are feuding and want to keep them apart. As you might predict, the plot swerved into a happy ending, with somebody saying, “This almost turned into a tragedy! Luckily, all’s well that ends well!” Gave me a nice opportunity to teach a little Shakespeare.

So now what we do around here is read about Pokémon, watch Pokémon, play Pokémon video games, draw Pokémon, and play Pokémon live games of Dante’s invention. In the show, whenever a trainer wants to send a pokémon into battle, he tosses a ball (pokémon are magically stored inside tennis-ball-sized containers) and yells out something like, “Charizard, I choose YOU!” So Dante has invented a pretend game where we’re battling pokémon trainers. He’s drawn up an ever-expanding list of (so far) 14 pokémon to choose from, with a reduced power-set for each pokémon, so there’s less to memorize. You roll a die to see who chooses first (choosing second confers an advantage, because some pokémon types counter others, rock-paper-scissors style), and then throw a superball and exclaim the name of your pokémon of choice. Then each player takes on the role of their pokémon, attacking each other in roughly turn-taking fashion with the appropriate powers. Finally, one or ther other pokémon faints, and you start all over. Pleasantly, Dante is not competitive in the game, and so each player wins and loses in a roughly equal ratio.

The latest thing is a game where one person draws a pokémon or two on a sheet of paper, and the other person draws one of Team Rocket’s many giant mechanical contraptions. The Team Rocket player must recite their very long motto, and then the battle commences. Team Rocket always loses, at which point the Team Rocket player must recite their other catchphrase: “Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!” as they fly away to become a twinkle in the sky. Trade roles, and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. It’s sometimes a challenge to remain interested in these games, but Dante’s obvious delight goes a long way towards making it fun. Plus, now I may be somewhat less hopeless at those many Sporcle Pokémon quizzes. That’s a fringe benefit.

In Dante’s class this year, the teacher decided to do a handprint calendar project with the kids. The idea was that there would be a picture for each month, done with hands dipped into paint in some way. Each picture has a cutesy little bit of doggerel attached, but the main attraction is meant to be the paintings.

Problem is, Dante is quite opposed to getting paint all over his hands, so in the Stargate way, they accommodated him and allowed him to paint his own pictures with a brush. The result is one of my favorite things he’s ever brought home.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dante Wilson 2013 handprint calendar. (Click each image for a larger version):

Cover:
CoverYes, he painted those — he doesn’t really have two right hands.

January:
01 JanuaryHis signature at the bottom seems to be expressed as some sort of division problem — he was just starting to learn long division at this point. Also, I believe the snowman has long hair.

Februrary:
02 February This sweet heart didn’t get signed at all, so the teacher did it for him.

March:
03 March The scale along the side is appropriated from a web game called Reachin’ Pichin, in which you launch a little creature into the air above some trees. So the scale shows the shamrock’s relative size, though with no markings and no comparison, it’s still a little hard to grok. I believe the shamrock is supposed to be big. Also, according to Dante, the green dot is the shamrock throwing off a seed.

April:
04 April Note the quotation marks around “Easter Bunny”. He puts quotes now around things whose validity he is questioning. (Hooray for proper use of quotation marks!) It’s especially funny when he uses air quotes to do it. The signature is again some kind of division.

May:
05 MaySuddenly the signature leaps into prominence! It’s almost as big as the image itself. Could be a hot new trend in the art world.

June:
06 June Simple and sweet. After that humongous signature, he now seems to have decided that his work is now so distinctive it requires no signature at all.

July:
07 JulyPatriotic!

August:
08 AugustOne of my favorites. There’s a small fish in the bottom right, with a smile on its face. It accompanies a much larger fish, which appears to be wondering about its relationship to Star WarsAdmiral Ackbar, a gent who looks rather fishy himself. Also, Ackbar is of the Mon Calamari race, and Dante knows that calamari is a word for squid. According to Dante, the fish is wondering whether Ackbar is also a fish.

September:
09 SeptemberThe tree is home to an Ewok village, drawn in pencil.

October:
10 OctoberHighly stylized and abstract, but no less creepy for that.

November:
11 NovemberHere’s my very favorite of all. ZonePerfect bars are what Dante claims as his favorite food. Well, actually brownies are his #1 favorite, but Zone bars are his “favorite non-dessert food.” He’s familiar with the Chick-Fil-A “Eat Mor Chikin” campaign, and so his turkey exhorts us to “eat more Zone bars.”

December:
12 DecemberAs I’ve mentioned before, we celebrate both Solstice and Christmas in our house during December. As he’s gotten older, Dante has become a more passionate advocate for Solstice, and in fact was quite outraged on Laura’s behalf when he learned that Stargate was to be open on Winter Solstice day (the 21st.) So in this picture, he adds his commentary via an asterisk next to the word “Christmas”, that Solstice must be recognized too!

At our parent-teacher conference in January, his teacher confessed to us that she’d made a classic first-year-teacher mistake and taken on a project that was WAY too big. We made sure to let her know that despite that, we are very grateful indeed, because this thing is awesome.

We had a cat named Random for the first 4 years of Dante’s life. He loved this cat in a tragic, unrequited way, as the cat wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. During that time, we learned from a blood test that he’s actually allergic to cats, though he showed no particular signs of allergy distress during those four years. Consequently, despite being a house full of cat lovers, we have not had a cat in residence since Random died. We’re still trying to figure out how to give it another shot.

In the meantime, Laura and Dante are filling the void with cat-oriented TV shows. Yes, thanks to the magic of the DVR and the good people over at Animal Planet, we have a wide variety of cat programming at our fingertips. They’re the avid watchers, but I pick up quite a lot just being around the house when these shows are on. There’s Cats 101, which is a bit hit-or-miss — we like the kitty footage and the breed information, but could really do without the cat shows and the purebred bias. Then there’s the utterly charming Must Love Cats, which follows an adorable cat-loving songwriter guy around the country and the world as he investigates various kooky cat-oriented stories. And finally, there’s Too Cute, which is just about what you’d expect — lots and lots of kittens, along with puppies, baby goats, bunnies, and so forth. In fact, the show always opens with, “Warning: The following program contains content that is just too cute. Viewer discretion is advised.”

From this last one, Dante has picked up a new and most adorable habit, of mewling like a kitten, purring, stumbling blindly, and generally emulating nature’s cutest creature. Let’s go to the videotape. Apologies for the weird sound — not sure what is causing all the little blips:

This has become his regular routine in the morning. Pretending to be a cat is part of how he makes his reentry into the waking world. There are lots of cute habits (and some not so cute) going on right now, but this one approaches dangerous levels of cuteness. Viewer discretion is advised.

NAGC follow-up

The National Association For Gifted Children’s conference was amazing and wonderful. Not only were there great speakers and panels, but there was a rare chance to meet some of the luminaries in the field. We heard Stephanie Tolan, and got to express our appreciation of her in a brief hallway conversation. Laura had lunch with Susan Jackson, and I had lunch with Linda Silverman. This last was particularly amazing for me, as I found out in talking with her that she’s been a teacher or colleague of pretty much every educator who’s made an impact on my life in the gifted education field. It was wonderful to tell someone that Suzie Perry was my teacher and have that person know exactly what that means.

Best of all, prompted by Laura I thrust a hard copy of the previous post into the hands of Jim DeLisle, who followed up by email with an unbelievably kind and nurturing response. He’s working with me to help it find a larger audience, which I find more than mildly astonishing.

I came out of this experience inspired. What I learned at that conference is that the split between achievement and emotional support isn’t just among parents of the gifted — it is deeply embedded in the current state of the field. In fact, NAGC just came out with a highly controversial new definition of giftedness, which moves away from the holistic approach towards an emphasis on talent development. By focusing on educational outcomes rather than psychology, this new definition would seem to justify everything that has been disturbing me about Stargate.

Lucky for me, my story at least is shaping up to have a pretty happy ending. Laura and I met with the Gifted Specialist at Stargate (Kathryn Kyd), who was incredibly sympathetic to our viewpoint, and together we came up with some ideas about how to improve Dante’s experience. Essentially, we’re creating a gifted pullout program within our gifted charter school! We spoke to the Head Of School, who we love (he was the previous HOS’s lieutenant), and he was completely receptive to the idea. He said he came back from the NAGC conference and started asking himself whether Stargate was doing the right thing to meet all the needs of gifted students — hearing the presentations expanded his viewpoint of what was useful and what was possible. However dysfunctional and schismatic it might be, I have many reasons to thank the NAGC.

So now Dante is being pulled out of class once a week for a couple of hours. Right now it’s just him and Kathryn, but they plan to invite more students within the next couple of sessions. He’s already been twice, and absolutely loves it. He picked the Middle Ages from a long list of ideas for what to study first, and they built a catapult together. His homework is to test it using various kinds of ammunition against paper castles, and according to him that is home fun, not homework. Never heard him say THAT before!

In fact, when I described to him the idea that he might have a special class at Stargate where he could choose what he wanted to learn, he said, “That sounds great, but I don’t understand how it can be school?” That’s how I knew I was on the right track.

[This one is going to be about me for a while. It'll get to Dante eventually.]

When I was in the third grade, I was given an IQ test. I didn’t know it was an IQ test at the time, and I still don’t know what my score was. What I do know is that based on the results of that test, I was invited to join a new program that our school district was running. The program was called AGATE, which stood for Aurora Gifted And Talented Education. (I grew up in Aurora, Colo. before it became famous as The Place Where That One Horrible Mass Murder Happened.)

The idea was that gifted or “high potential” kids would be pulled out of their regular classes for a half-day each week, and given a different kind of school experience — one focused on critical thinking, independent projects, creativity, and media literacy. In the process they’d get concentrated time with kids who were their intellectual peers, in the hopes that the experience would facilitate social/emotional development.

It is no exaggeration to say this program changed my life. I don’t have many strong memories of my elementary school years, but I have many memories of AGATE, and they are exceptionally vivid. I won’t turn this into a catalog memoir, but just to give you a sense of the flavor and variety:

  • We were given a framework for analyzing and categorizing advertisements based on the approach they used to hook viewers, such as Snob Appeal, Sex Sells, Humor, and Fear. Then we were turned loose on a pile of magazines to pull out the ads, sort them into the various categories, and talk about the ones that weren’t easily categorized. I still think of these categories from time to time today when I see ads.
  • Each semester, we were required to put together a project delving into a topic of our choice. ANY TOPIC. We had to identify what we would research, what we would create, and what we needed to succeed. Our plans would be vetted (and occasionally modified) by the teacher, then monitored throughout the term for progress. At the end of the semester, we’d present our results to the other kids. I remember doing projects on Norse mythology and drug abuse. Other kids did projects on things like Dr. Demento & novelty music, or Mexican restaurants in the Denver metro area. This is where I learned how to follow a passion in a structured way that produces tangible results.
  • One project I did was based on hearing various adults say that a 4-way-stop intersection near the school was far too busy and dangerous at some times of day, and that it should really have a traffic light instead. So, using a Super-8 camera my dad dug up from somewhere, I filmed various near-misses between kids and cars at that intersection, and wrote up my pro-traffic-light arguments. Then, with grownup help, I made an appointment with a city planning official and presented my filmed evidence and my argument. 4th grade civil activism! (Failed activism — there’s still no traffic light there — but still.)
  • We did a unit on analyzing song lyrics as poetry. The teacher played several different songs and talked through the lyrics with us, asking questions like, “How do you think the narrator feels about this character in the song?” She also listed out the artists and asked us if we could match the artist with the song. I remember misidentifying the artist of Simon & Garfunkel’s “Save The Life Of My Child”, because I associated S&G with sweet and light tunes, and couldn’t believe they’d ever produce such a hard-edged and unsettling portrait of suicide in the big city. I rushed home that afternoon, pulled out my parents’ copy of Bookends, and started listening with headphones on. I can say without hyperbole that this was an epochal moment for me. It is exactly when I became the passionate music lover I am today.

Most of all, I remember the teacher, Dr. Suzanne Perry. She was, and is, an utter inspiration to me. The very first day I met her, she gathered our little AGATE group together and talked about what we were going to do. I remember her saying, “You’re going to become experts on the things you study. Some people say that you have to be an adult to be an expert on something, but I think that’s nonsense. Anybody who can learn can become an expert.” This news rocked me — I’ve always been susceptible to the belief that based on my age I’m not eligible for certain categories. Dr. Perry made it her mission to break those preconceptions open. I remember the feeling like it just happened. I guess in a way it’s never left me.

Intellectually, I was enthralled. Emotionally, I was engaged. And socially, I started to feel just a tiny bit like maybe I’d have a shot at making friends with kids around whom I could be more like myself, instead of trying to be more like them. Even by third grade, I was well familiar with being called a “know-it-all” or a “nerd” (wayyyyy before that term acquired any cachet.) Let’s face it: I probably was a know-it-all, possibly even an insufferable one from other kids’ point of view. Part of what a good gifted program will do is demonstrate that being academically or intellectually advanced does not in any way make you a better person than anybody else, and reminds you that while you may be highly developed in some areas compared to some other kids, they’re likely ahead of you in others. (The term “gifted” is problematic in this arena, but it’s been around so long at this point that we’re probably stuck with it.) All I knew is that I felt less of a misfit and outcast in my half-day at AGATE than I did at any other point in the school week. I cemented friendships in that room that have lasted to this day.

I’ve had various other encounters with gifted education. I found myself in various other incarnations of AGATE as I progressed through school, some more successful than others. For five consecutive summers I attended a summer camp at the University of Northern Colorado, created and run by George Betts, a heavy hitter in the field of gifted education. I came back for three consecutive summers during college to be a counselor for that camp. Some of this stuff was amazing, but it all began with those first two years in AGATE. They changed me forever, for the better.

As Dante (remember him?) started to do various amazing things in toddlerhood, I began to feel strongly that we’d need to find him a school with a strong gifted education component. We found a preschool that, though it didn’t have a gifted program, had such a great student-to-teacher ratio (4:1) that he was able to get a lot of individual attention while learning social skills. The search for a kindergarten, though, had more options. It was incredible, the amount of time and angst we put into that process. It felt like getting him into college!

There turned out to be three primary options for gifted students in our school district — two charter schools and a magnet school, each of which had something about “gifted and talented” as its focus. Laura and I ended up with kind of a Three Bears feeling from our research. One school was way too focused on rigor and achievement. (The principal sounded like a drill sergeant as she talked about the school. “We will make your kids SWEAT academically! Vacations during school times will not be tolerated!”) Another school had just started that year, and while I was really drawn to its philosophy and many of the people there, there were also quite a few signs of disorganization and growing pains. We worried that it might be a little too unstructured for Dante.

The third school, though, seemed just right. They were well-established in the community, and their presentation convinced me that they really get what gifted kids are about, and would provide a good balance between academic challenge and social/emotional support. After quite a lot of tension and agita, Dante got in, and we enrolled him there for kindergarten. That school is called Stargate. (The “star” is from the name of our school district, and the “gate” is for Gifted And Talented Education.)

I was overjoyed that such a place existed. The best I’d ever gotten was a gifted program for a half-day each week — Dante’s entire school would be like AGATE!

It didn’t turn out to be quite so.

Stargate is a wonderful place in lots of ways. They have received Dante with an enormous amount of love and nurturing, and they have always been very responsive to us anytime we’d bring up concerns about the way one thing or another was going. The school also provides Dante with a good peer group, the way AGATE did for me. Like AGATE, Stargate selects its population via an IQ test screening process. And they certainly have tried to match their classwork with Dante’s abilities, so that he’s not stuck in a room with a bunch of kids learning their ABCs. They place a lot of emphasis on field trips, which is great. (Though this approach has been curtailed somewhat since the economy crashed.) I’m deeply grateful for the good things we’ve gotten from Stargate.

That said, I am aware that I’ve been feeling emotional pain and disappointment about where Stargate falls short. In terms of curriculum, Stargate seems to me to be just like “ordinary school” with the volume turned up. He’s got homework pretty much every night, and has since kindergarten. He’s assessed early in the year, and placed in a classroom that is accelerated to match his ability level. I think the little guy finds it pretty intense, which is certainly not a feeling I ever got from school.

The material taught divides roughly into literacy (aka reading & writing), math, and “theme” (more or less science + social studies), with rotation among 6 “special” subjects: Spanish, computers, instrumental music, general music, art, and phys. ed. (He’s got two of these “specials” per trimester.) I’ve got no problem with any of these things per se. I recognize that they are valuable and necessary. But what I don’t see is anything that matches what AGATE allowed me to do: create a structure in which I was encouraged to independently follow my own passions and share the results with my peers. He’s got projects within his classes, but they are all circumscribed to fit a specific concept or assignment, and very often explicitly defined even within that topic — i.e. not “make a building for our class’s town” but “make a post office.” I wonder: will he ever get to follow his own muse to delve deeply into his passions, regardless of whether any other kid in the class shares them, and regardless of whether the teacher, or the district, or the state, has predigested them?

I also don’t see much of an emphasis on critical thinking or media literacy. His schoolwork is about multiplication, and adjectives, and maps — again, all important and useful topics, but he’s doing repetition, not analysis. He’s learning how to deal with the abstracts of schoolwork, but not about how to process the world around him. He’s got lots and lots of work to do, and that’s how he sees it: as work. There are opportunities for creativity, but it feels to me almost as if it’s a bonus that sometimes occurs, rather than a central guiding principle around which the curriculum is built.

He’s also learning a lot about something else: failure. Like I said, I grew up feeling like I was good at school, that it was easy. The few times I ran up against something I couldn’t master easily were very traumatic, but they were the exception. I don’t think Dante feels like he’s good at school. He feels like he’s constantly falling short. (Laura recently asked him why he prefers home to school, and he answered, “Well, just think about it. Wouldn’t you rather be at home where you could play games and have fun instead of at school where you get 3 out of 10 on a math test and feel like ARGH! I’M! SO! BAD?” Mind you, anytime he takes a state or national standardized test, he’s invariably in the 99th percentile.) My experience with gifted education made me feel more capable, and more excited about school. Why is Dante’s making him feel less capable, and more like staying home?

It turns out that there’s a tension in gifted education and the parents who seek it for their kids, a tension that was incarnated by our Three Bears school search. On one side is the concept of acceleration and achievement. I see parents desire this for its own sake, Tiger Parents (of all cultural backgrounds) trying to grind out high-achieving kids as an end in itself. On the other side, there’s creativity and emotional support. You can probably tell where my bias lies, and as I watch Dante go through his Stargate experience, I’m beginning to second-guess our decision to steer him towards the middle rather than towards the creative end. (Also a huge contributor to this feeling is the fact that Stargate’s politics are incredibly dysfunctional, and have led to a shocking amount of turnover in the leadership position — something like 12 heads of school in 15 years. We just went through one of these and it was so, so painful. A board of parents and “community members”, none of whom had any credentials whatsoever in gifted ed., fired an excellent administrator over what was more or less a power struggle about micromanagement. That’s a post in itself, if I can ever stand to relive it by writing it down.)

Laura and I are going to a conference tomorrow about gifted ed. It’s an incredible opportunity, and just to make me feel like an ungrateful jerk it was made possible by Stargate — Laura won a raffle held by the school for parent tickets to the conference. I’m hoping to find some inspiration and answers there, so that I’m better equipped to help Stargate (or wherever we go) give Dante what Suzie Perry gave me.

Snack Division

Laura gives Dante a snack (sesame sticks and a few chocolate chips), leaves the room for a while, comes back, and observes the table. This conversation ensues:

LAURA: Uh, what’s going on with your snack there, honey?

DANTE: (casually) Division.

So be it… JEDI!

For the inaugural WordPress post, here’s Dante in his 2012 Halloween costume, as a Jedi Knight. We don’t have the full Qui-Gon hair treatment in place yet, but we do have two different light sabers. Dante insisted that he can indeed use a red saber even though it’s associated with Darth Vader. “A red saber can be used for good by a Jedi,” according to him, and who am I to deny it?

First a crossed sabers pose:

Jedi Dante with crossed light sabers

Then ready to strike:

And finally some action shots from the intensive Jedi training that happens in our private compound on Yavin 4.

 

Catchphrase Comedy

Dante loves to make us laugh. He’s constantly trying to figure out new ways to amuse us. Sometimes, his jokes are clever. Sometimes, not so much. We laugh anyway, politely.

Lately, he’s been trying out the catchphrase comedy thing. Except, he’s missing a crucial element: the jokes. He just throws the catchphrases in, often as a distorted echo of something we’ve said:

ME: Will you grab a water bottle?
DANTE: Waka waka water bottle!

Yeah, “waka waka” is a big catchphrase right now. “Boing!” is another.

ME: How did you like the puppet show?
DANTE: How I liked the puppet show was I thought it was… boing!

At first, the sheer randomness of these would make us genuinely laugh. But he does them a lot. (He has dabbled in this before, but this time he does it less for himself and more for us, trying to get a reaction.) Even after many repetitions, the randomness would amuse me a little, but it wore on Laura after a while. Still, we tried to at least smile, since we knew he was trying.

Then he tested it out at school. Rather predictably, he got negative feedback from the other kids. He reported back to us that he’d said “waka waka!” to some little girl, and she had replied: “Not funny.” He also reported that his teacher had told him “waka waka” was making her head hurt.

Uh-oh. Did we do this kid a disservice by being too patient of an audience? We explained, as gently as we could, that just saying nonsense words really isn’t all that funny to begin with, and that it becomes less and less funny the more you do it. He overreacted, in typical Dante fashion, saying “Okay, I will never ever say waka waka again.” As usual, we tried to pull him out of binary thinking and into something a little more flexible. I suggested that he just turn down the dial, and give it more rest.

So now we have a blessed break from “waka waka.” A few hours later, he said, “Hey, here’s one I haven’t said in a while: Abuuuuuuuk!”

And you know what? It really made us laugh.

Summer Reruns 2012

It’s time for that annual post in which I recap Dante’s year in Facebook status updates. These usually consist of little one-liners or stories that are too brief for this blog, but which can comprise a satisfying meal when taken all together.

This year, Facebook’s lovely Timeline “feature” is here, making it maddeningly difficult to see everything I’ve posted. I shall do my best.

August 11: Dante hears a Ben Folds Five song with the lyric, “Sometimes I get the feeling / That I won’t be on this planet / For very long”, and replies, “That’s because they’re working to make space travel available to everyone!” Then, when told that the name of the song is “Don’t Change Your Plans,” he says, “It should be called ‘Don’t Change Your PLANETS.’”

September 2: DANTE [reading to me from THE BFG by Roald Dahl, a passage about a giant vegetable]: It was about as wide in girth as a stroller.
ME: Wide as a what?
DANTE: A stroller. I corrected it from “perambulator.”

Selected comments:

[Stacy Holguin] “Holy shit!”, said the elementary reading teacher.
[Paul O'Brian] And you’re not the only one! I told Laura about it later and asked if she had taught him that. She said she assumed I had, because he at some point explained to her that “perambulator is a word for stroller.” Where he learned it, I do not know.
[Stacy Holguin] Vocabulary lessons aside, the fact that your 6 year old is reading Roald Dahl is beyond stunning. Add in that he’s adjusting for audience DURING oral reading is nothing short of spectacular genius.
[David Dyte] Careful, Paul’s head will soon have the girth of a perambulator (that’s a word for stroller).

September 25: Listening to Lady Gaga tonight.
DANTE: What IS a “disco stick”?
ME: Uh, well, disco is a kind of dancing, so I think it probably has to do with dancing.

October 5: Listening to Billy Bragg.
BILLY: [singing] What could be more British than “Here’s a picture of me bum”?
DANTE: What could be more British than this singing?

November 28: Tonight I sang “Money (That’s What I Want)” to Dante. Here’s how it went:
ME: The best things in life are free, but you can keep them for the birds and bees–
DANTE: Why would you want to give all the best things in life to animals??? It should be: half for you, half for the animals. No wait, one fourth for you, three fourths for the animals, because there are wayyyyy more animals than people.

December 5: Dante’s looking over my shoulder this morning as I’m checking work emails. I haven’t said a word, mind you. Then he turns to Laura and says, “Hey, Daddy just let me know that some portals are down, but PREP was refreshed over the weekend, so that’s good.”

February 17: Listening to Adele.
DANTE: What does that mean, “the scars of your love they’re eating breakfast?”
ME: That’s “leave me breathless.” Not “eating breakfast.”

February 24: Listening to The Beatles “Hello Goodbye”.
DANTE: I made up a version of this where I changed the words to “You say Dubai, and I say Moscow.”
ME: !!!

Selected comments:

[Rachel Wright] Moscow, Moscow! I don’t know why you say Dubai, I say Moscow!

March 7: Playing “I Spy” with Dante. He says, “I spy… something that I don’t really spy… and we need it to live… and the rainforests create it.”

March 8: Dante is suddenly interested in Star Wars. He’d like to see the movies. So I think maybe we’ll watch Episode 4 on DVD. I don’t have the right gear for streaming or Blu-ray, but watching a stratospherically popular 35-year-old movie on DVD should be pretty easy, right? WRONG! It is ASTONISHINGLY DIFFICULT!

As I have ranted in the past, the movie is not for sale on DVD, except for exorbitant prices on eBay. But I can rent it on DVD, right? WRONG! My local Blockbuster video has a copy… on Blu-ray. Same with the other 5 Blockbusters in my neighborhood.

So forget brick and mortar renting. Maybe I’ll become a Netflix subscriber, just for a little while. I even used to be one, for a little while. Except Netflix.com now seems to be all about streaming, with nary a word about DVDs. Oh wait, there’s dvd.netflix.com! That’s about DVDs! Except that when I try to sign up, they recognize me as being a previous subscriber, and reroute me… to the streaming site! No DVDs mentioned! Oh wait, there’s the mention: I can pay another $8 for DVDs on top of the fee I’d pay for the streaming-I-can’t-do. NO THANK YOU!

So screw Netflix, I’ll do Blockbuster’s DVD-by-mail thing. Except Blockbuster’s web site SUCKS! It sucks to the degree that when I click on the link labeled “Star Wars”, its reply is, “An error occurred while processing your request. Reference #102.3747b1cd.1331189568.701359a”. It sucks to the degree that when I click “Sign Up”, the web site just grinds away endlessly, failing to produce anything with any interest in taking my money.

ARGH! A PLAGUE ON ALL YOUR HOUSES! I cannot believe it is so frickin difficult to watch Star Wars with my 6-year-old!!!

Selected comments (after a long thread in which various wonderful people offered to send/loan me theirs, piracy was contemplated, the library was suggested, and more):

[Paul O'Brian] Resolution: My mom figures out what I had been missing: used item listings on Amazon! I am so used to ignoring them, it was as if they were not there at all for me. $40 DVD set on its way to me, courtesy of Mom. Thanks, Mom!

March 20: Watched Star Wars (thanks Mom!) for the first time with Dante this weekend, which was just awesome. When the Death Star exploded, he whispered reverently, “That was BEAUTIFUL.”

Selected comments:

[Tony Granato] So glad you finally got to share it with your son. When do you start him on the Kevin Smith movies?
[Paul O'Brian] Tony: The mild stuff like Clerks and Dogma, maybe later this year. But he’ll have to be much older before he can handle Jersey Girl or Cop Out. In fact, I’m not sure there’s any age at which I’d let him watch Jersey Girl or Cop Out.(Concerned friends: I am kidding about letting my 6-year-old watch Clerks and Dogma.)
[Rob Wheeler] That’s so awesome. You should try to send that anecdote to George Lucas, even though he lives behind an imperial fortress of his own making these days.
[Paul O'Brian] I’m not going to try to send it to GL, but in my imagination he would feel gratified by it, because the explosions are one of the things he specifically tinkered with when rereleasing the original trilogy.

March 29: Listening to the Indigo Girls’ “Gone.”
EMILY: I’ve seen a million suns go down on this tired town…
DANTE: (disdainfully) A million suns?? What planet is she on?

April 7: Dante and are I drawing Star Wars-themed pictures with pencils. He picks up an eraser. “This Death Star Eraser can destroy an entire picture! Now witness the power of this FULLY OPERATIONAL ERASER!!!”

May 12: Singing “Let It Be.”
ME: When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me…
DANTE: I don’t understand this song. Who is Mother Mary?
ME: Who do you think she is?
DANTE: What I think is that she’s kind of like in Episode 5, when Obi-Wan appears to Luke as a ghost.

May 30: Singing some Elton John at bedtime.
ME: Don’t let the sun go down on me…
DANTE: It is impossible for the sun to go down on you unless you live a super long time, and humans only live an average of 80 years. It would take 5 billion years for the sun to go down on you, so please please please please please please please do not worry.

June 4: Singing “She Came In Through The Bathroom Window.”
ME: She said she’d always been a dancer / She worked at fifteen clubs a day…
DANTE: WOW.

August 9: Dante loves YouTube videos, but I hate YouTube comments, and don’t want him seeing or reading them. The solution? Herp Derp, which transforms all comments on a YouTube page to random strings of “herp” and “derp”. Hooray! http://www.tannr.com/herp-derp-youtube-comments/

Hiya Marko

A few years ago, we got Dante a DVD about earth science, from a company called Rock ‘N Learn. He watched this video a number of times, and lucky for us, we found it entertaining as well, mainly because two of the three main characters have ridiculously exaggerated accents. There’s Terra, the earth, whose Noo Yawk accent is just a few shades off Fran Drescher. Then there’s Marko, a pencil with an enormous bow tie, who speaks with an Italian accent that, if anything, is a few shades beyond Luigi Risotto from The Simpsons. The third character is a bland fifth-grader named Kevin, with whom they no doubt think the kids will identify. Little do they know.

Dante immediately incorporated these characters into his pretend play, assigning parts to each of us and himself. (The fact that the video focuses on a trio surely didn’t hurt.) At first, there was some fluidity to who played who, but he quickly settled into definite assignments, and they’ve had real staying power. I mentioned over a year ago that he loved to play Terra (though he doesn’t attempt the accent.) He still does that, every day. I like to talk in the exaggerated Italian accent, so when I’m around, I get to be Marko, which leaves Kevin for Laura to play. When I’m not around, she’s my Marko understudy.

The play has shifted somewhat, though. Before, the main focus was on how big and powerful he was, and there were lots of elaborate explanations of all the basic functions in his life — bathing, eating, sleeping, etc. — and how they work when you’re the size of a planet. In particular, he liked to emphasize that his bed is actually a “lava bed”, and that Marko has to wear a special suit in order to withstand the temperature on it. That’s all still there, but I don’t hear about it as often anymore.

Now, the play begins with a ritualized opening: “Hiya, Marko!” To which I respond, “Hiya, Terra!” (Alternate opening gambit: “Hey Marko!” “Jeyyyyyyss?” [That's Marko's way of saying "Yes?" -- I'm not shy about incorporating Hank Azaria Puerto Ricanisms into my Italian accent.]) From there, he launches into an explanation of something he’s “invented.” Which is to say, some toy of his, or some mechanism around here with which he’s currently fascinated. (Like the vacuum.)

The current fascination is Mouse Trap. My sister gave him this game for his birthday, and like many a kid before him, he has no interest in playing the actual game, but he loves putting together the contraption. And what he loves even more than that is to teach me about the contraption while I play as dumb (and deaf) as I can.

DANTE: Hiya Marko!
ME: Hiya Terra!
DANTE: Let me tell you about a Rube Goldberg machine I invented.
ME: A Judy Goldman routine?
DANTE: [Laughing] No, a Rube Goldberg machine.
ME: What is a Ruby Golden machine?
DANTE: It’s a very complicated device to achieve a very simple purpose.
ME: Question. Why not build a very simple device to achieve jour very simple purpose?
DANTE: For fun! Look, here’s the box.
ME: I am sorry to tell you that jou have the wrong box. That box says “Mouse Trap,” not “Rude Iceberg Machine.”
DANTE: [Laughing] Mouse Trap is what kind of Rube Goldberg machine it is.
ME: [Lowering my voice] Do jou have a mouse problem in jour house?
DANTE: No, it is just for trapping little plastic mice.
ME: The mice are not alive?
DANTE: No.
ME: Then for what do you need to trap them? They are not going anywhere!
DANTE: [Choosing to ignore the question, as is not uncommon] Let’s put it together and watch it go!

Then he’ll put the pieces together, explaining to me how they all work. Now, keep in mind that at this point he has explained Mouse Trap to me at least fifteen times. He has asked me to “reset” — i.e. pretend to forget everything he’s told me — so many times that now the request is implied within “Hiya Marko.” So he teaches me yet again. It is imperative that I entertain myself during this process, in order to avoid the otherwise crushing boredom that would accompany it. Making jokes and being silly throughout is not teasing — it’s self-defense!

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